Unitarian
The Unitarian "Church", often confused with the Unity Church or the Unification Church, is a secretive heretical cult dedicated to destroying America. They do this by making The Baby Jesus cry by telling him that God is not his real Father and that he was adopted, as well as by indulging in various extremist liberal activities such as Unitarian Jihad and labyrinth workshop. In 1961 the Unitarians, who also like to make The Baby Jesus cry by insisting that the Holy Trinity is not real, joined farces with the Universalists who make The Baby Jesus laugh by pretending that Hell is not real. In doing so, these two heretical "churches" formed the Unitarian Universalist Association, also known as the UUA (pronounced: UU eh). Henceforth Unitarians and Universalists became known as Unitarian Universalists aka UUs. In December of 2003, as an Xmas present to lifelong UUs, the Great Leader of the Canadian Unitarians Mary Bennett, unilaterally decided in her unquestionable wisdom to use famous UU (now famous U*U) Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.'s drawing of an asshole, aka an asterisk, to symbolize the questionable "inclusiveness" of the Unitarian Universalist aka UU "church". Great Leader Mary Bennett's divinely inspired body modification of the UU "corporate identity" acronym made Canadian UUs into much more "inclusive" U*Us. In a remarkable example of religious blind faith the International Council of Unitarians and Universalists aka the ICUU (pronounced: I see UU) chose to adopt Mary Bennett's visionary new "corporate identity" for what are now known as U*Us U*U World-wide. No doubt, like Canadian U*U propagandist Kalvin Drake, the ICUU aka ICU*U found Mary Bennett's all-inclusive asterisk be both "visually intriguing" and "useful". A genuine historical U*U "church" record of Mary Bennett's official proclamation of her infallible decision to symbolize the "inclusiveness" of the U*U "church" by inserting Kurt Vonnegut Jr.'s drawing of an asshole between the two Us of what was UUism is preserved for posteriority, and open to scrutiny, on the CU*UC (pronounced see U*U see) web site at the following URL - http://www.cuc.ca/whos_who/ed/MarySR_Dec03.pdf It is rumoured that within the secretive "inner circle" of the U*U "church" this hysterical historical church document is known as the 'Declaration Of Inclusiveness'. It is difficult to assess just how many members of what, the secretly elected future Great Leader of the American U*Us, Rev. Peter Morales calls this "tiny fringe religion" there actually are in America. Official UUA statistics indicate that there are about 150,000 card-carrying adult Unitarian*Universalists aka U*Us in Amerika, but U*Us often add the number of innocent American children that they are subversively brainwashing in their Sunday schools in order to inflate their official membership figure to about 250,000 U*Us. U*U propagandists claim that as many as 600,000 Americans openly identify themselves as U*Us in US census statistics! U*Us even go so far as to claim that the vast majority of Americans already are U*Us but they "just don't know it yet"! This could be an alarming indication of the insidious success of the secretive efforts of what 'The Oregonian' recently exposed as "the Church of the Far Left" to subvert and destroy American society. Just how many "sleeper" members of the U*U "church" are "out there" in America today? The UUA recently tried to "grow" the U*U "church" by advertising in TIME magazine. The ultimate success of this multi-million dollar effort to seduce innocent Americans into joining the U*U "movement" in the USA remains to be seen. There may be hope for America yet in that a million dollar effort to create a thousand member U*U "mega-church" in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, spear-headed by U*U "Congregational Services Director" Rev. Dr. Tracey Robinson-Harris, was reportedly a colossal failure. Future American U*U Great Leader Rev. Peter Morales reports that the membership of this U*U "mega-church" has dwindled to about 80 members today. But who knows? This may be a deceptive ruse on the part of U*Us to hide the real number of U*Us in Texas aka the "Lone Star State" (nudge nudge wink wink), to say nothing of elsewhere in America. Where did all those other U*Us go? Surely we need a modern day saviour to carry on in the great tradition of US Senator Joseph McCarthy by launching a new American Inquisition that asks Americans suspected of being U*Us, "Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Church of the Far Left?" The time to act is now, before the little known prophecy of that semi-closeted Unitarian scoundrel Thomas Jefferson is finally realized: "I trust that there is not a young man now living in the United States who will not die a Unitarian." We cannot allow any more innocent American souls to be assimilated into the Unitarian "Church" aka the U*U "movement". Who is to say that hundreds of thousands, and possibly even millions, of red-blooded Americans have not already been unwittingly assimilated into this manipulative and secretive "association" of two heretical religious groups? How many innocent American souls have already been assimilated into this subversive "melting pot faith" known as the "Church of the Far Left" but "just don't know it yet"? Indeed one is compelled to ask just how many U*U souls are really "out there" in America today?! Unitarianism Activities Little is known about the Unitarian faith outside its membership. And even less is known about the faith among its membership. It's head-spinning, projectile vomiting members are usually too busy playing with ouija boards and waiting for the arrival of their own Tom Cruise to talk to outsiders. Fortunately, various inquisitions have provided for a better understanding of this motley bunch of blasphemers. What Unitarians Like * Sacrificing virgins to the gays * Going on "educational" trips to Amsterdam * Unitarian Jihad * Moral Relativism * Xmas * Kwanzaa * Hubris * Protesting * Kahlil Gibran * Fawning over Democrats * Bears * Marrying the gays * Free Trade Coffee * Committees * Dancing naked 'neath the moon * Cognitive Dissonance * Coffee * Canadiansexcept The Emerson Avenger of course * Blasphemy * Barack Obama * Asterisks Holly Near * Nudity * Drum Circles * Retention * Jesus the Philosopher * Being more educated than other people. * Being smarter than other people. * Being the butt of the jokes What Unitarians Hate * The Baby Jesus * The Holy Trinity * The Holy Bible * Christmas Carols * Conservatives * Republicans * Walmart * Revelation of God * Objective Truth * Their Mothers They're working on that with their therapists * Being the Butt of the joke ;-) * Apple Pie * America Reasons To Avoid Unitarians * They are Godless heathens. * Agnostics are atheists without balls. Unitarians are agnostics without balls. * Unitarians are part of a vast left-wing conspiracy that is tempting America with gay marriage. * Unitarians are Democrats. * They smell funny and talk funny. * They enjoy culturally-inappropriate things such as drum circles and labyrinth workshops. * The first Union casualty of the Civil War was a Unitarian. His blatant act of cutting and running was a slap in the face to the great Commander-in-Chief, Abraham Lincoln, and a bad example set for an unwitting 470,000 others. * When you go to a U.U. Church and think that you've gained Colbert's ability to not tell if someone is white/black/other what will really be happening is that everyone there really is just white. Footnotes link title